Make Your Inner Critic Your Coach

The voice that is always there

"You always do this." "Everyone else has it figured out." "Why can't you just…". Most of us carry an inner critic, and most of us assume it is the engine of our standards: without it, we would slack off. So we keep it around, harsh tone and all.

What the critic is actually doing

Look underneath the harshness and you will usually find a protective intention: to stop you being embarrassed, rejected or complacent. The method is just poor. Harsh words tend to create shame and fear, and those rarely produce your best thinking or your next brave attempt.

Self-compassion is not self-indulgence

Researcher Kristin Neff describes self-compassion as three things together: being kind to yourself, recognising that struggle is part of being human, and holding painful feelings with awareness rather than avoiding or exaggerating them. Studies in this area suggest that people who treat themselves with compassion tend to be more willing to try again after a setback. Kind and high-standard can live in the same person.

Turn the critic into a coach

• Take the friend test. Would you say this to someone you care about? If not, rewrite it.
• Keep the standard, change the tone. "That did not go how I wanted. What can I do differently next time?"
• Be specific. A coach says what happened and what to try. A critic says what is wrong with you.
• End forward. Finish every review with one next step.

You can hold yourself to a high standard without holding yourself in contempt.

The pattern in the loop

Self-criticism is often a loop too: a mistake, a harsh thought, a wave of shame, a retreat. Notice it, Interrupt it with the friend test, and Replace it with a response that moves you forward.